Heard any good one's lately?

Last updated: Saturday, April 16, 2011 9:23 AM

 

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

 

 

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George Carlin's Views on Aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.


"How old are you?"  "I'm four and a half!"  You're never
thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!  That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump
to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?"  "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa!  Put
on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's
a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
 
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you
HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a
healthy 100 and a half!!
 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:
 
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight    
and height. Let the doctors worry about them.  That is why you
pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the   “devil's workshop."  And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
person, who is with us our entire life, is you.  Be ALIVE
while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home
is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:  If it is good, preserve it.  If it is
unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the
next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.

 AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but      
by the moments that take our breath away.

Rumor has it that the aircraft depicted was flown by a captain who was later diagnosed as sufferring from 'Bird Flu!

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."


 

Proud to be a New Englander...

I 'm proud to be a New Englander but . . . Forget Rednecks ...here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

And, you know you are a New Englander when: "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The speed limit on the highway is 55mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you!

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends!

 

On A Deserted Island

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for

over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck

got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small

boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a

drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the

left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"

said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke

can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish

whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a

pocket there, and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the

flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the

Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long

front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the

trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!”

(Courtesy of Scoop Thiede)

More golf jokes...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

(Don't blame me, the above is from Dave Bigler...)

Golf vs "Big Sports"

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, throw bottles at, spit on, or go into the crowd after other people.

Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.

The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.

Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

And Finally:

Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

World's Best Husband...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stop to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I was in the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 5 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN:" Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Any of you guys know whose phone this is?"

Subject: Thoughts on Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

"I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
..
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls"

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
..
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
..
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
..
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers neither of whom can putt very well.
..
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
..
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt",you might wish to reconsider this game.
..
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
..
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
..
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work. and both are expensive.
..
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
..
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
..
Swing easy. Hit hard.
..
If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
..
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"

In Remembrance...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the Hokey Pokey.

He died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.......

 

Mrs. Donovan from Scoop Thiede

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father.

"The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Click below to try out this "Mind Reader"puzzle. Know how it works?

http://www.montney.net/psychic.swf

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

A new wine for seniors from Scoop Thiede

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

An Adventure with Grandma from Dave Bigler

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous, cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. 'Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out or recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, and he didn't have a coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real
warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for
someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes," I relied shyly. "It's .... for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and write, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front
door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent
shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

From: Fred Vanderploeg (Aquazoom@aol.com)

Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Frances

'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick

More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same

Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!

In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary

The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
Wth people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"The hell with this place,
Vermont seems just right!"

 

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You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances, Jeanne, or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 " NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street and you're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You're considering upgrading from a 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector, face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electricity turned back on.

 

BALANCE IS EVERYTHING!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing
for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the
seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there
will be a hot spot," God continued, pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will
be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass with oceans as it borders and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "that's Cape Cod, the most glorious place on
earth.

There are beautiful beaches, lakes, and climate. The water
that is surrounding the Cape keeps it pleasant in the summer, with cool ocean breeze; while this same water keeps the winters mild. The ocean provides an abundance of fresh seafood. The people from Cape Cod are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!
Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this
place you call Cape Cod!"

God replied wisely,

"Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending there on vacation
every summer!"

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Subject: Laughs for the Ladies

 

A friend just told me about a new instructional Golf Book by Bobby Rusher. I haven't seen a copy yet, however I did see a flyer, and from the list of Chapters, it looks like it might be one in which you might have some interest.

The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER.

Here are some of the more notable chapters:

A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
B. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
C. How to get more distance out of a shank.
D. Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
E. Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.
F. Crying and how to handle it.
G. How to rationalize a 7 hour round.
H. How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
I. Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.
J.How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed.
K. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
L. When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.
M. God and the meaning of the double bogey.

BOBBY is now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"

--------------------------------------------

Darwin Awards 2003

They're back - Darwin Awards! Yes, it's that magical time of the year
again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least Evolved
among us. Here then, are the glorious winners for 2003.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and
doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

New milk formula

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They
gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took
the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk
the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die.

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow."

------------------------------

The Dog Story by Gene Tesone

The dogs once had a meeting
They came from near and far
Some came by automobile
And others came by car.

But before inside the hall
they were allowed to look,
They had to take their assholes off
and hang them on a hook.

Now barely were they seated
Each Mother, Son and Sire
When some dirty little yellow cur
Commenced to holler 'Fire"!

So they all rushed out in a bunch
and took no time to look
But each one at random
Grabbed an asshole off a hook.

And that's the reason why
A dog will pass a big fat bone
To stop and smell an asshole
In hopes he'll find his own.

-----------------------------------

WORK Virus Notification

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
via e-mail, or from anyone else - - - do not touch WORK under any
circumstances. This virus wipes out your personal life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this
virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.
Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find
that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least
five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends,
this means you are already infected by this virus and that WORK
already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar
and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends but I'm not entirely positive . . . . so I'm headed

for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

--------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and
puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down
for a five